Off to the Dentist!

Whoever decided that pulling, yanking, or otherwise mutilating teeth was a valid profession ought to be sentenced to a lifetime in the chair (no, not that one--the other one!).

It's no wonder that dentists' offices all seem to advertise bright happy smiles and dancing toothbrushes... anything remotely resembling the actual experience would have people running for the hills.

Seriously, could there be any less torture? First, you get THE CALL letting you know that your appointment is only 24 hours away. This is supposed to be for the convenience of the dentist, but come on, folks, isn't it really a nefarious plot to get you so tied in knots that you don't notice the final bill?!

Anyway, the day finally arrives. You take extra care brushing and flossing your teeth because, God forbid, the dentist might actually have to suffer more discomfort than you do. You're greeted by an annoyingly perky receptionist with perfect teeth who makes sure that you stand uncomfortably for at least five minutes while she takes down every last scrap of personal information, even though it just happens to be written all over her computer screen.

Then just to further humiliate you, on go the bright blue booties to protect the (expensive) floor from your feet. While you're waiting in the seats that hit your back at exactly the right angle to keep your feet dangling, you have plenty of time to admire the decor. Not the IKEA-type furniture that you've had since the birth of your daughter twenty-odd years ago, but real wood and glass! Mmmm, is it too late to apply to dental school?

Muffled groans and screams are now coming from different rooms. Any person with an ounce of gumption would have fled a long time ago, but n-o-o, you meekly wait for the Great One to appear. He finally does and you are ushered into the torture chamber. After what must be endless hours of allowing spit to drool out of your mouth while simultaneously trying to mumble, "Stop! You're killing me!", the dirty deed is over and you are free to go.

Thoroughly exhausted and numb, you stumble to the reception area to receive the final insult...the bill!

But hope springs eternal in the human breast... there are still a few states that allow capital punishment. Go, Texas, go!!!